THIRTEENTWELVE

Todays genious of the day is Nike, for selling so many of those grey with white stripes caps. Up here evey scally worth his weight in Argos Elizabeth Duke George and the Dragon Rings has one of the Nike caps. Whole gangs of em wear them like uniform. And at an estimated £20 a throw they must have made a fortune at Nike. And the most amazing part of it? The caps are totally minging, tastless and awful.

So well done to Nike for flogging 1000's of them to the scallis of Britain.

When dying your hair there is a couple of things you *shouldnt* do.

First off dont eat/drink your hair dye.

Secondly. Dont get it into you eyes.

Exactly what I didnt do, or did do even. I was mixing the stuff up, looked down and saw I spilt some and then instinctivly went and put it into my right eye. I dont know what took over me and forced my right hand to move blue hair dye into my eye, but it did. After a very large panic sesssion I got it all out and thankfully my eyesight is as normal. Same as my eye colour. haha

Ahh crap its new years tommorow and I gots no plans. How did it creep up so fast?? (I mean its not like its been a whole year coming now has it 13twelve)

It would seem I'm in capable of running a comments thing. So I will have to wait untill Blogger Pro does it. This is because the hosting option I am on from Clara Net doesnt have cgi/php turned on and I'd have to pay shed loads more to get it all turned on. Bah! Maybe I'll come up with something else. Ideas?

Ok so the "festive" period disrupted visitation here by myself. But I do have plenty to say...

French and Saunders. After watching their christmas special and laughing all of NO times I have decided they need to give up on the sketch show format. Ab Fab which they co-write with Ade Edmundson or what ever hes called is still, as it always was, absolutly fabulous (pun intented - yay genious!). Which leads me to think French and Saunders still have it, or it in a series format where you have more time to build, create, conform and ignore deeper character profiles and interactions where time and effort can be spent perfecting an hilarious moment. Where as the sketch show format this just doesnt happen. Even the Fast Show of a few years back found this, that the characters that did the best, Ted and Sir (my memory fails me on them, but you know, the rich guy and the gardener). They had specials devoted to them and moved from sketch to series. Is this the end of the sketch show? I dunno. No more Tommy Cooper, Russ Abbot, Lenny Henry (who really isnt funny anymore shouting high pitched crap pulling a stupid face), Harry Enfield, Fast Show or French and Saunders. Smack the Pony is funny, but not brilliant and its time will come. So maybe there is no future in sketches, or at least a long term one. Even stand ups are into series, Peter Kay (the incredibly over popular bright orange ben sherman shirt wearing (check I Love 1980s out) funny man of the moment. Who I think is funny, I just hate not being able to go anywhere with people who also like him for the hours of "when he said this....." and other such impersinations of the show, I too, watched last night) has Phoenix Nights. Stand up may not be dead, but you dont see that on telly anymore either. So it probably is. The future of comedy then? Gameshows, Have I Got News for you has been consistantly funny for over 10 years. Buzzcocks is the same (Mark Lmar and his "tribute" to Elvis the "pill stuffing burger king of rock and roll" hahah) and series of well thought out shows.

Infact Mark Lmar should be given a medal for being so aggressive, quick and generally funny. And Johnny Vegas for being that drunk that we shouldnf find funny and perhaps should try and help (after the chat rooms talk on room 101) but still find funny anyways, despite some of the things he says that might just be a call for help.

I have silly hair again. Russel Jerome brand blue highlighter kit. Which despite the hours long process of having to fold peices of foil around the bits of hair our dying has worked incredibly well with very little scalp burning at all. Though I possibly left the dye in too long as I got playing the Halo demo on the Microsoft brand XBox that came on a demos disc, cos I get well over an hours play out of the demo. And its not like I'm crap when it comes to first person shoot'em'ups. Been at Counterstrike for ages, done Half Life and Blue Shift, into Wolfstein and a wizz at multi players. No no, I went hell for leather at this Halo demo for well over an hour, so top credit to the Microsoft boys on that.

Yes, praise where praise is due. And the XBox is miles better than the PS2 whos only advantage is the number of games. The Gamecube i'm told is second due to totally playable and top games. But the mightly Xbox for sheer brute power and graphics abilities is apparently the winner. I just bought one cos it was Tuesday. Hahaha

Oh yeah, I'm also emailing a fella about being photographed for a book hes writing on piercing and the fetish culture. Hope I would be a good person for the book cos my piercings arent usual ones or done for any "hey, I'm a man and impervious to pain" reasons. I do have them for the shock effects, something to twiddle with and the hole striving to be different. (cos no one understands, yawn)

Speaking of shock factor. This week I got numbers 2 and 3 in the "how many people can you get grief from over your peircings". Out in the sales shopping with my long suffereing partner ( :-) ) we where walking out of a music shop. Some old lady remarked "my god, did you see that boys face". I was glad she didnt call me a man (cos I'm NOT that old) AND that she didnt like my face. Then while in a pub in the valley with friends, I had to walk past a bunch of barry horizontal striped scallys who shouted some random crap about how horrible and stupid looking I looked. Though both of these instances where people saying these things after I had walked past and presumibly to them I couldnt hear. I just had my girly twirly and friends tell me afterwards. The first incident was top though. Walking through the center of town and a group of scallis just came up to me and said "them things in your face are fucking stupid you wanker" so I said, "cheers, but they do it for me". hahah

Theres probably more I wanted to say and forgot, but I'm sure it will come to me...

Ho ho ho. Etc. I'm sure you dont need me to wish you happy Easter.

Parents can be such fun, apologies to my girlfriend and thanc for putting up with em.

Its definatly the mentalism that does it:

Todays tosser on the roads is: PK52PUE driving an Audi TT. I would of thought Audi would fit "indicators" to their cars now a days, or instruction manuals on how to use them.

Also a copy of the high way code and maybe a book on how not to be an ignorant big headed twat is needed to make this driver more normal.

I know where you live, and no matter how superioir you think you are, you dont live anywhere special.

Least I forced to drive on the wrong side of the road in busy traffic because you where too impatient to stay 2 cars back and you just had to push in cos, fuck me, your just that damn clever. So clever no one else thought of doing that.

My chain gun dreams and elbowing tosser drivers in the face with aims to destroying the jaw bones is right now for-front of my imagination.

Grow up you fucking arrogent twat.

Recently discovered that I can infact down entire cans of Pepsi, regardless of being thirsty or full. They dont seem to take up room inside of me and I can just open throat drink them. And I love it.

I cant do this for Coca-Cola brand Coke, just Pepsi.

It actually scares me how easy I can drink it and how much I can.

But it does sugar rush me to heaven :-)

Just say "Transformers" cos that will stop 'em.

When I was a kid, as in younger than I am now. My room was in the roof of our house and it had a skylight window. It used to scare me and I cant ever remember sleeping in there in total comfort. I probably did, cos I think it was my room for ages but I do remember moving my stuff to a room downstairs and being alot happier.

Anyways, this room used to scare me and I didnt like it. One night, a night which fixed my fears I woke up in the middle of the night to see a monster walking down from my legs, towards my face. It had an axe. I was shitting it. REALLY shitting it.

As it drew closer I began to panic. Well wouldnt you? Was in that phase where you wanted to scream but couldnt.

As it reached the top of my chest all the fear and panic came to a boiling point and I said, quietly and girlishly "Transformers". At which point my evil beasty crapped it and jumped very quickly backwards over my door and away. I slept again after that, but I was scared I would wake up slashed by the beasty. And why Transformers? Gawd only knows...

So if in doubt, shout "Transformers" with pride and it will stop even the beastly of beastys.

Today I've been out to dance with the people...

De and Fault

(as in to win by...)

The 2 sweetest words in the english language?

Plenty of fun to be had right now, with all the panic Christmas present shoppers. Go to your local town/city centers and dance, skip and weave the poor sods as they walk all downtrodden through the rain with long, drawn looks in their face.

See how creative and imaginative you can get with what you do, incorparate street furniture, cars and public transport. Do it fast and make it look like its un-controlled and that you could fall and take them and their rushed buys go flying. Make your laughs sound evil child and cretin. Look and sound mischeivous. Oh, and have fun doing it.

To the driver of that light blue Volvo saloon - apologies. But you where beaten from those lights fair and square and, by one of the best (if I do say so myself).

One of the benefits of all the Counterstrike, Castle Wolfenstein and Need for Speed time I've logged over the past few years and the practice in good ole Kenneth the Uno (god rest his soul) - reaction times to rival a cats.

As soon as those lights change, I am off. Usually being at least 2 car lengths infront by the time we've crossed the junction. Therefore not only beating my foe, but trouncing them.

I'll never forget the time I raced a 205 gti that was all kev'd up with a couple o young lads in it, in the center of town. I was in my knackerd old uno with me and two other fellas in. Lights went to green, off I went, smashing our foe to peices. Being a city center I stopped at 40 and waited for the enevitable "VVVVVVVVRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOMMMM" as the loser shot past us at something well above 60. He still lost and looked silly. Beaten by a knackered old Uno.

Mind you, that car didnt weight anything. And I had done it 100s of times before. Haha. Fiat Uno's the secret pocket rocket.

Say hello to any CruisinUK.com drivers you see.

Go buy and read Michael Moore books. We have (bought them anyways). And now I gotta get me some DVD's from amazon (no link, everyone knows what amazon is, big place, trees, rains alot etc)

Not being very funny, unique or original today. But I am watching a hell of a lot of the A-Team on Uk Gold :-)

Question:
How do you be the worlds most feared gangster, be locked away for life and then be released 10 years into your sentance?

Answer:
Help your country win a war.

It turns out that Lucky Luciano did just this because of his help to the American Army to capture Sicily and Italy in the Second World War according to the History Channel.

Some may try and put the Yankees down for that, but the information was essential to the capture and so in a way the end of the war in Europe. And the fact the mobsters helped win their war in their own way I think just rocks. You want a peice of me Hitler? You rat bastard mother fucker you....

OMG and SJ !!!!!

Remember a few years back the Levi brand ads on'telly with the "Spaceman" music on. Which when the single got released turned out to only be the intro and outro of the actual track. Well I decided to try and download a longer intro/outro thing. So I searched long and hard.

Till I found it. Babylon Zoo - Spaceman (fast version) weighting in at 2560kb from where ever you download your stuff from. Not go the whole tune yet, its coming at 0.63 kb and to be honest I've been trying to get it on and off for weeks, there seems to be about 4 people in the world who have it.

And why? I'll tell you. Cos some genious has cut the original radio edit version up, took out the intro and outro then run the middle part of the song twice as fast (does avoid Chipmunk syndrome) and then put the intro and outro back on. Of course it doesnt work at all, its not fooling me into thinking its 3 mins of the intro/outro BUT it is still genious and still works top.

I've wanted to form a band for a long time. And I've wanted to cover that song (if not to see just how many effects pedals it needs). But now I REALLY do!

And candystand.com Pool. You gotta think the computers always going to beat you at a game of maths. But still I try!

Pants!

Again I find myself playing that damn 3d pong again.

If my cars frozen up again I wont be happy.

And you just know it is.

Cos I left the de-icer in the car.

If I hadnt, it wouldnt of frozen up.

Sods Law.

Bah!

Congratulations Mr white crappy old Astra man for being todays most fantastic driving. Its a shame crappy old cars like yours dont come equipped with indicators and that as a result you feel obliged to drive as though you own the road. Yes your cutting me up very badly and dangerously was about the cleverest thing I have ever seen. I wish I was clever enough to think of it.

Pity for you I undertook you and dropped 2 cars infront of you just before the traffic ground to a halt at a Police road block. Then while you sat there like an idiot, I turned off the road and went around the road block a different way cutting about 25 mins of my journey time.

If I remembered you number plate, I would of posted it here and to as many places on the net as I saw fit and revelant in the vein hope that some day you do get the shit kicked out of you for being so darn clever.

You genious.

Oh yeah, no silly warnings about this site containing opinions and that if that scares you, you should run away, hide under your sofa, (remember to feed the cat) and eat Nestle brand Milkybars until your 50, fat and bald all over including your lower back. Cos my review of most sites that have such a warning as you enter usually gives me another click to do (and I get so bored of clicking) and they often contain nothing even remotly offensive.

As yet I dont think my site does either. Bleedin miracle. You could gurantee that if this where live live and not net live, then I'd have shouted several offensive words out aloud before realising I'm surrounded by old ladies and young kids with, now, angry mothers.

Now click to scroll down and read more. Its dead good. Yup (I know, I'm contradicting my own rantings. Not much to say on the topic.)

On looking into weblogs: "Weblogs are often-updated sites that point to articles elsewhere on the web, often with comments, and to on-site articles. A weblog is kind of a continual tour, with a human guide who you get to know." (Dave Winer, www.weblogs.com), I must conclude I fail somewhat as a weblogger.

I dont guide anyone through the internet with links to else where on the internet. Why? Cos I dont and cant surf for very long without getting bored. This site, like many others is a waste of webspace (and some). My blog is outlet for writing general crap that the people around catch, dont catch, laugh at or look back horrafied.

So perhaps I should be more webloggy to fit what the guy who was among those who started it all off say a blog should be.

So to be more memepool like, my post about bttf should perhaps have been:

"I am Darth Vader, from the planet Vulcan, George McFly" - We're going back in time 3 times over.

But its just not my style. So nerr.

Rumour has it that gigs in America are limited to 110 Db. I hear from reliable sources that gigs here run well into the 150's. Yeee-hawww

*new* look?

I'm mainly singing only one song in my head. A theme from perhaps the greatest trilogy of films every (except the last one which is a little pants). Dun dun duuuuuun, dun dun dun duuun. Duuuuuuun duuh duuh duh duh duuuuh. Ok so Back to the Futures theme perhaps sounds better than my efforts to write it in the time honoured Beavis and Butthead way. Crackin films though!

I was thinking about joining the Navy when I was younger, for their sponsorship through University opportunities. I say the Navy and not the Army cos I didnt want to join up and be shouted at by some dude for 6 weeks. (perhaps the difference between theivin scalli scum and the *educated* class)

Planning next trip to bodypiercings studio, though sadly not for myself. Might try and get my massive spots pierced. Hmm, lovely.

Yay finally got some good sleep. And my backs not killing any more.

Add N to (x) on Friday night. What I think? Well sadly for such a meejah type god status band, or geek god status, I dunno - they came accross as un-proffessional and played hours of un-interesting noise. I'll be sticking to cds and forgetting the memories of the 2 crappy gigs I been to.

Can explain why I've seen that the Doors have been playing alot in town recently. All the notices on the doors of the venues had written "Doors open at......" at the top and not the bottom and from a quick glance while rushing up the stairs you can forgive me for making this mistake.

(they did actually play last week though! :-) )

Oh it was sprog bashing day on Friday. Throw the sprogs into the sprog pit and spit on em. (one of those secondary school tales to scare the first years for Fri13th)

Driving now is such a pain. Especially in traffic. Loads of white scum from the road gets thrown onto your windscreen as though your driving into a wall of white powder. So you spend the whole time washing your windows, constantly worried that your water bottle things going to run out cos you've not filled or checked it for ages and ages. Not washing your windows turns your windows white and you cant see very well. Then when the low winter sun hits, you see nothing. Then its worrying.

Plus some pillock in a white Mundano cut me up good and proper. I was singing Billy Idol at the time and couldnt engage the anger bones quick enough.

Had a good nights sleep though.

(May as well post here now, be prolific before bordem and rejection sets in :-) )

Nesquick brand rice and corn cerial uses the Nesquick bunny on its box. Apt really as the cerial itself more than resembles rabbit poo.
(tastes good though)

Today I signed myself up at www.blogger.com in order to make the whole blogging thing quicker and easier, to spread the good word (perhaps) and to not have to rely on my pc with, at the end of the day isnt a good idea. I could have always got an ftp program for my mac I guess, but I didnt. So ner.

I did college yesturday like a good boy today. For a very short amount of time. Work there at the moment circulates around a group of 5 of us who are acting as a branding agency.
The Future's Bright.
The Future's Big Balls.

Team Big Balls pulls through, once again....

My cd is pretty much as it was. Like a fool I missed off Billy Idol's Rebel Yell, which fits in after Pretty Polly. While Utah Saints gets moved to before Babylon Zoo.

Christmas looms (as if you didnt know [I'm so sad for bothering {GET YOUR COAT IDIOT!}]) and I havnt done any shopping for it yet. Though I think I know pretty much what I want to get people. Still cant really be arsed.

Has anyone noticed how cold it is? Been really bad for past few days. Wasnt this cold last week and certainly not the week before. Surly I would of noticed if it was.

So day one of the blog. Hello. This site will no doubt be full of typos and spelling mistakes. I could check for these and make myself more proffessional, even my simply running the spell checker. But I'm a student and therefore I'm not.

Today I'm mainly annoyed at traffic, randomly slow drivers and more so, people who hesitate. Be it in their cars or in general. If you gonna do summut, just frikken do it, do not spend all day doodling while you think espcially if your wasting my time.

My next in car cd compilation is almost done.

The Transformers Theme
- Lion
Hallowed By Thy Name
- Cradle of Filth
Thanks for Nothing
- Slaves on Dope
Muse
- Will Haven
Trick
- Stuck Mojo
I Got Five On It
- Luniz
Straight Up Menace
- MC Eiht
Gay Eskimo
- Corky & the Juice Pigs
November Rain
- Guns'N'Roses
Pretty Polly
- Queen Adreena
Believe In Me
- Utah Saints
Conversation Intercom
- Soulwax
Take it Easy Chicken
- Mansun
Spaceman
- Bablylon Zoo
Everything Sucks
- Pictchshifter

Thats 15 songs covering 1.1 hours (cheers iTunes). The order I think works, play testing will sort that. The tracks are there cos I like them, erm, or bits of them anyways.

More to follow, clearly, its a blog and thats the point. I guess I'm not feeling overly interesting today. And I've not got the hang of sounding overly serious about myself. Though I hope I at least sound quite cultured by my cd track list. Hahaha.

Off to Pizza Express with me!